Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
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I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul