Squirrel having fun.. 😅
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Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
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So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*