Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Me irl
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?