Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
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ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
bears
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.