[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
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Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?