My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*