a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
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I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I found your tweet-up…
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van