BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
You Might Also Like
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction