me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
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The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
an airline just for babies.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before