A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
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I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
who will stop them
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left