Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
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Customer is always right
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’