how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
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Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.