I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
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What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?