*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
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Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF