Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?