Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
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Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet đ
why do mums always tell u stuff then say âdonât go posting anything on facebookâ hun i havenât posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandraâs divorce
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Iâm a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! đ
You feel like youâre an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says âAâ.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinkingâ
ME: the fact that Rudolphâs nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why itâs used in observatories. It wouldnât help Santa at all
Donât open any messages you get from me. Iâm not hacked, Iâm just really mean
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.