Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
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[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
is this meant to deter me
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.