was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
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why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”