i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
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Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.