If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
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When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?