a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
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My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”