crazy
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Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?