Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
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therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
*cough*
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.