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The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
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“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.