How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
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Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
This story is comedy gold 😂
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Best table by far
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.