why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
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👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.