Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
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I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot