If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
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Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
courtroom exchange of the day
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow