I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
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imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Did my cat write this
me before I type out affect or effect
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE