Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
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Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Xylophonist Shredding It
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Worst perfume name ever.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised