I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
At least my masseuse has my back.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Rooting for the overdog
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Love this one 😂🧟
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*