What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
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My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Ok but actually
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Running from your problems is cardio .
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.