Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
You Might Also Like
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.