been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
You Might Also Like
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
So inspired right now.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.