Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
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Am getting real tired of your crap…
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
classic mixup
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude