My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 馃檪
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It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it鈥檚 probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Wife: I wish you鈥檇 just admit when you鈥檝e made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it鈥檚 so over for them