Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
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aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?