I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
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me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*