HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
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*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.