I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
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Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other