GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
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friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”