[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
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Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.