I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
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Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
The game has officially changed 😎
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”