When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
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Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Penguins walking in 5x speed
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Did…did a minotaur write this
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.