Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
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The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Okay
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*