Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
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Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.