My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
#Thanos #MondayMood
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me