Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
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ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Sex so good you see dead people.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.