[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
You Might Also Like
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext