X-tra spooky blend
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Remember to think of others this holiday season!
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
My wedding will be open casket.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?